As children, most of us experienced a loss of power due to a loss of connection and love enacted. This loss of power = suppressed fear/terror and we formed protective mechanisms in an attempt to regain that power, with no other options available. Fighting others for it, running from situations we feel powerless to, hiding from the world and shutting ourselves down, shape shifting to what others want us to be to avoid conflict.
At the core of the child’s experience of losing power is fear. And all of these mechanisms above have their roots in fear. Fear is a state of separation. As infants and children this separation which is felt becomes both an internal and external experience. We no longer feel full within ourselves, so we reach as adults for whatever tools we used as children to attempt to regain some form of power, connection and love.
Power struggles, relational disharmony, war, violence, what we are calling mental illness are all adaptations of the child in an adult body seeking to use the same tools for survival as a way of seeking safety.
I’ve recently experienced a profound breakthrough related to fear. When I followed it down, all the way down, I was taken to a familiar place of internal hell. The painful grief that feels as though your body is being ripped apart, like a knife through the guts and heart. As I flailed around, fearful of this grief and fear, “no! Not again, how many times must I go here?” “What if it never goes away” “this is too painful”…the sensation of being burned alive. A living death where aspects of the previously formed ego seek to die and be rearchitected in a form more conducive to life. A death of whatever fragmented way of being I was previously holding before this moment seeking to be purified in the fires of my awareness. I didn’t do it alone. None of us really can or do.
My soul family both in spirit and those who know me best answered the call. Each person gifting me a piece which allowed this death to purge from every cell of my body. Presence, unconditional love first laying the foundation for insight from another to be placed at my inner altar. Only I could be the one to pick up this diamond of insight. I could reject it, choosing to harden the layers of my survival based ego. But there is little ego to be had when dropped so deeply within the fires, I was happy to receive this diamond of insight. Refusing this would be akin to walking in the desert thirsty and refusing water from a chalice spring. I gulped up what was being offered.
The insight was something along these lines, my fight response comes from fear, when I allowed the fear to consume my body and be burned up in my awareness and through the body, I could see what I was told….there is nothing and no one to fight or fawn or shut out or down or flee, come home, be solid in your original being. It was like the earth built itself beneath my feet in that moment and the sky kissed my body, holding me in a blanket of warmth. Though I know with my mind boundaries are not a fence, they aren’t even something we have to fight for, I felt so deeply, perhaps for the first time what that really means. It means I am free to be. There is nothing and no one taking this away from me in this moment. Of course many in the world are having this stripped from them with force. But again, what we are watching is children in adult bodies, fight from fear, seeking to dominate another from loss of internal true power.
This inner kingdom I’ve been restoring for many years now, is at another impasse, this impasse is be, trust yourself to be. There’s no one to fight, to run or hide from, no one to fawn. Only an inner kingdom to sit within. Boundaries are apparently the key to an endless wellspring of compassion. No longer do we need to be understood first before we understand. We can have unconditional love, understanding and compassion the better our sense of self and boundaries are. We simply have a line in our sand that says, no, I love you but I will not allow that to cross this line. And that includes things that no longer serve us, once allowing us to survive now creating disharmony. It dissolves in the flames of inner initiation. Much like a smoke cloud it returns to the sun.
Christ consciousness is all around. I find my soul family to be weaving a beautiful web of freedom, breaking chains and restoration of the original angelic human. Wobbly many days, imperfect most, but beautiful and sacred nonetheless.
Thank you God for all we are restoring, the keys can be found inside and in the mirror of our fellow human being.
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