My Writing

Expressions from The Spectrum of Human Experiences

 

Another

I spend time
On the minds of idle giants
They cling to the image of my face
Smiling back at them
They reel; tortured by the thought
So why then
Like a ghost with my head
Soaring above the clouds
Do I see your face
Strange like this
Spending my thought currency
Floating by a you I never had
While cursed men stay rattled 
Pining for another hit

  

Artifical Oneness

The use of spiritual or universal truths to bypass the pain or reality of ourselves and others. This allows our ego to take the back door. We then unwittingly become the separation we seek to end.

  

Asleep

I was asleep; 
I didn’t know I was asleep
Then one day you woke me up
But I drifted off again
Then nudged awake again
Every time this happens
I see things I didn’t see before
Like when I drifted
There were new developments
Being born into a new world
Each time
A new layer revealed
Never sliding back
But peeling back
The first time I was woken up
I had been in a coma
The second time a deep sleep
The third; a nap
The fourth; a day dream
Every time the sleep gets lighter; the line becomes thinner
The line between you and me
Until there is no line at all
I know I will drift off again
Only to be re-birthed
So today I love you
I take your best interests
As my own I vow to love you
When you are asleep
Because if you are asleep,
Then so am I

  

Attention

“When we pay ourselves attention, the currency of attending to our tension is priceless, as the reward is a life worth being present for.”

Cuts

A thousand tiny paper cuts
Not like the cuts 
I carved on my thighs
Or the slit
I dug on your chest
But a thousand tiny paper cuts
Mental pollution; I am numb

The psychological undoing of my composure,
triggered by a single word that reminds me of the cortical gash,
I tried to cauterize

The epidermis is thin
Run along sweet soul, but don’t be surprised when the stitches keeping that skin together sags loose.

Cyclic

Die Unto me a Thousands Times 
Hot Breath 
Lay What I used to Be
On Pyre
Kerosine
Ashes to Ashes
Dust to Dust
Now it’s Time
Wake Back Up

  

De-Programming

We are socialized to see naked bodies as sexual, taboo, and even shameful. As a collective, nudity and sex are over-coupled; over-associated. Sexual energy IS life force energy. So, yes, naked bodies can be sexual, but they are also food for babies, and the vehicle for our expansion.

Disillusioned

In the panic of disillusionment
We find ourselves
In the shame we speak
And transmute
We find ourselves
In the depths of grief
We find ourselves
And what we find is
We need each other

Endurism

We suffer and become attached to our suffering, because we unconsciously believe it makes us “good”. But, it comes from a self-concept of shame, that we are “bad”. We have suffered enough, we must stop punishing ourselves, and let the pleasure paradigm begin

Enlightenment

The first enlightenment is to realize there is nothing in this universe that is not you. The second is to realize you can never be enlightened until everyone and everything in this multi-verse is enlightened, and so each successive lifetime is spent becoming self-aware and awakening “others”.

Entangled

A baby is born 
They all are
The car door slams shut
They all do
Giggles
They all do
Head hits the pillow
They all do
Sun flares under lashes
They all are
A chair pulls out
They all do
Two lips press and pull apart;
SALIVA
Hearts pounding
Simultaneous
Dynamic
Orchestra

  

Flexible

The more flexible I have become
The looser my grip on the “me” I thought I was becomes
The more permeable and conscious my emerging beliefs become
The more love I contain for the parts of me, I once couldn’t see
The more possibility I have to see what I am still blind to
The more love I contain for every being in this world and beyond
My judgements dissolve in the honey of connection

Folly

Folly
Another trip
Around the sun
I grasp the last few sparks
Only to watch them burn out

Frozen

Frozen 
Shallow breathing 
Seething
Hole in the wall 
Hole in my heart
Crawling
Under the bed
Hide me
Grasping
And 
Gasping
Reaching out
Fingers crushed
The sole of your boot
The hole in my heart

Giving Up

Giving up on being happy
Giving up on being perfect
Giving up on being “good”
Giving up on being whole and healed
Stop pulling against myself 
Even the goal to stop pulling against myself
Yeah, I’m giving up on that too
Giving up on being against being against
Against the way it all currently is
Against society 
Against people out there
Against myself 
Surrendering
Over
And
Over
And
Over
Then giving up on surrendering too
And it feels pretty fucking good

Glass

Pick up the glass 
So thin yet sturdy
Between my teeth
My tongue gilded with pleasure
Smooth and cool concealment
I crunch and snap until
The Red wine gushes down
The familiarity keeps me
Deep in its clutches
Bound by myself
Drowning in an empty glass
Desperate to cover
The gaping hole
With a glazing numbness
That carries me like
A paper boat
On a river that can’t feel
Drown your screams
In my waters
I’ll hold your head
While you gasp for air

Good

All I want to be
Is good
So good
I am bad
The poison apple
Given by my demon
So sweet the package
So deadly the bite
You see
Good is only temporary
Fleeting
Followed by pain
But why?
It’s because isn’t actually “good”
Not the way I think
I only want to be
And wanting
And being
Are very different
It’s the desire
That drives me
Deep
Deep into unconsciousness
And ultimately
That is bad
Bad for me
And
Bad for you
So what is the good thing to do?
To risk it all, and be bad
To see the “bad”
Because in seeing the unconsciousness
Seeing what I already am
Just like my demon friend
I become good 
But this good
Isn’t fleeting
Or temporary
It’s integrated
Because it includes
Bad
I’ll never rid myself
Of the part that wants to be good
So I might as well
Use it to my benefit
By grabbing my hand
Showing myself 
To be good
The very goodest of all
I must be willing to be
Bad
Or at least what I fear
Makes me bad

Grief

Nothing prepares us
For grief
To be steeped
In unconsciousness
Riddled with the disease of disconnection
It’s the pieces
We lose
And keep rejecting
That wrench us
There is nothing
To find
Only something
To reconnect

Healing

CONTAIN ME 
For I am not contained
LOVE ME
For they do not know what love is
BE WITH MY EMOTIONS
For I am taught to turn on them
CONNECT TO ME
For I am disconnected
BE HONEST WITH ME
For I am told unconscious lies
SEE MY REALITY
For I am told it does not exist
LEARN MY BOUNDARIES
For these define who I am
INTEGRATE ME; I INTEGRATE YOU
For this pain is torture

  

Hope

All suffering is relative and valid
Relative to what we know, can remember
And connect with
But If we don’t know, connect into
Or remember the depths and range
Of what is possible for suffering
We risk getting lost in a self centered vacuum
One where our suffering is the only suffering
Where we cannot taste the joy that remains
Present for us
You see, someone can be brutally abused
The most extreme of all abuse 
And be happy to look at the sky behind bars
Or pull themselves out of
The depths of their hell
That was a hole in the ground
And so we will too
So yes, feel the depths of our collective suffering
And then see food you have to eat
The bed you sleep in
The caring touch of another
The choices and free will we do have

May we find more gratitude and joy in what is
May we find joy in knowing we can process
The trauma we do have
May we hope 
Someone will always have it better
And for that thank you
To those with better for that gave me my sight
Someone will always have it worse
And for that thank you
For the gratitude and for showing me what I have

Integration

You had to split to know what you are. You had to split to stay safe. Now, to expose your fullest authentic expression, you rejoin these splits. If only to share the fractal nature of existence, and the medicine of integration.

I Remember

I Remember
I remember I am you
And you and you
I remember the illusion that is not in fact an illusion
I remember my infinity; ever expanding
I remember I am not an I; but a we
I remember beyond the we is a one
I remember beyond the one is a none
I remember I am a fragmentation of one; created to understand myself in infinity
Like my ego splits me so I may understand what I am
You split so you may understand what you are
I remember why I came here
To bring you this message

Layers

Sometimes my heart beats fast 
My eyes glaze downward and a buzzing numbness takes over my head
I am flooded
Flooded with layers
That’s what they feel like
Coils, snaking around one another
It’s like I can see every possibility,
Every reason why you did what you did
Why I did what I did
Blinded to me but wide open to you
Blinded to you but wide open to me
There are too many tunnels
wrapping around each other
Too many reasons why
Stimulus overlus
A boulder sits on my chest
The images fade and all
I’m left with is confusion
&; A body that aches with sorrow
The confusion hides from me
The truth that is just out of my grasp

  

Love & Loss

In loss we wade in liquid lead; chest deep
In love we drip with honey; soul steep
Weighted eyes
Wait for sunrise

New Paradigm

I was born alone 
&
I will die alone
I am everything bleeding
out into itself
Everything is me bleeding out into itself
Both are true
As I seek my shadow and unocover my light
I become the awareness of all perspectives
I contain all possibilities
I am one
I am separate
I am none
There is no I am

No Vacancy

She drowned binate
In the gaping pool
A throwaway droplet
A life unclaimed
She is untempered
&
The window to her
Wide eyes
No longer floods in vacancy

Ocean

Your liquid fingertips are melting
Hold me floating like the womb
Offer memories of life with no density; no gravity
Warm like the sun
Cold like the moon
To represent your duality is a half truth
To speak of you as separate is a non-truth
Without boundary you swell
Fierce and untempered;
One and none
I perceive you and give you a name
But you are not that
You are not contained by my words
So here we are co-creating
Liquid fingertips can write now
Right now

Pain

Do not let your pain be in vain. Let it be the driving force that guides you to a better life. The one you came here to create.

Prison Planet

Tease me with love 
Then rip it away 
System on fire 
No tether
Made of the same 
Amnesia Driven
Done with this game 
Check out is never 
Recycled back in
You thought you were clever 
That maybe you’d win
You didn’t; You died
The sameness went too 
Spirit on Pyre
No tether; No together 
System on fire
White ash 
Blow away forever 

Quiet

Tonight the world is quiet 
Maybe that’s only because I stopped
The chaos I told myself “I had to” create
Be apart of to be worthy
Tonight I shed the blood of my womb
I dream of breastfeeding a starving baby
I close my eyes and see swimming pools
I can breathe in

River

This day; I cried 
Yesterday; I cried
Tomorrow; I will cry
But these tears don’t always
Carry
The same story
Some narrate the pain
Dripping down
Down an ethereal drain
Watering the roots
Of this cosmic web
Today they carried joy
Peeled my eyes back
Felt whole; no lack
And cried for us
For the forest with no trees
The body that is numb
&
The parts stuffed away
For when your joy has been pried
From your beating heart
I will cry for us; no disquiet
This river will never run dry

Secrets

Tell me your secrets
So secret you’ve managed to hide them from yourself
A fragmented projection living on frozen water
The other pieces below the thick ice
They hid for good reason I promise
Presence is like a fire to your freeze
It melts away the ice so you can see what is sub 
The emotive body of your secrets is vast and painful
You may be alarmed to uncover them
With gentle attention you love what is below and it rises
Give love to your storm and it will soften
Pick up the pieces sweet star
You were already whole

Separate

Separate feels

Necessary to this place

Even more

Connection feels

Necessary to this place


They said separate is an illusion

The illusion of your physicality

Doesn’t negate the solidity

Of this separation

Sex

Open up; Wider
One; Inhale
One; Exhale
Two halves; One
Time; Gone
In body
Out of body
Synapses on fire
Bodies dense; earth
Energy moves; water
Gone with the wind 

Shadow

A Bounty of Treasure 
Beneath The Fight
Deep Beyond Measure
We’ll Bring in the Light
The Dive is Deep
Here Comes Buried Pain
So Take a Big Leap
Here Comes the Sweet Gain
Soon You Can See
There Was Nothing to Fear
Soon You’ll Be Back
So Ready; So Clear

Shift

The more I see the pain we share, there is a shift
Usually, I defend myself from you, judging you, and separating myself from you.
This is valid and you would too.
You make my pain ok and hold it.
Not needing it to change, you can do this because you aren’t without practice; You contain the same pain.
When I see this pain we share and we share it together, I become safe in being connected to me, the part of me that I wanted to hide away before, because your here to receive me, and you know how.
I no longer defend myself from you,
I choose to love you instead.
I don’t want to hide my pain in the dark anymore
Now is the time to share our shadows, our grief, our loneliness, our powerlessness, our inadequacies, our joy, our love, our presence and our compassion.

Sleep to Dream

I close my eyes
And hope
That this time sleeping
Feels like dying
When being awake
Feels like drowning
In an ocean of black tar

Softer

You could outline me in chalk
Flat on my stomach like this
Cool sheets and solid mass
Suspend my body
Effort ceases
Just two objects in space
Every exhale
Melted musculature
Soft; Contrast
Attention snatched up
To the place where thoughts live
A flash, an image
Like a thin line of lightning
I watch the wave of tension
Unconscious contraction
“Softer……” echoes
My guts release
A hollow phantom pang
Burroughed out
Distending into ease

Starved

I can’t catch you
Not like an emotion
To catch
Maybe
An emotion
To entertain
On my stage
I want to be the stage
That swallows you
Chews on your essence
Spits you out
Only to
Sip you
Back up again

Survive

You can survive without it
But why would you want to
That taste
In your mouth
Tight grip
In your chest
Lingers
At least you know
You’re alive
Spirits grown tired of subsisting
Off evaporated essence
Pain body remembers
Being split in two
At least you know
You’re alive
Patience is a friend
That needs a funeral
Spit life into me

Truth

All truths are half truths 
The other half is also true
A paradox dances like a three dimensional strand of DNA
It spirals up you like gold then back down like silver
Truth and reality hold hands like lovers
What is real to you is real for the universe
What is true for you is the half of

Twin Self

The echoes of a twin self

Can be heard

By those with willing ears

And an open heart.


All of your parts have an opposite

It’s your job to see them both

Unrequited

And so we are 
Caught looking
At the one who does not
And so the reel we’ve kept
Plays softly
In the background
Heart Beats
For love I’ve never known
This sand castle home built
From the shattered whole
I once was
Blind to the crumbled ceilings
Hollow corridors
I want you to have this gift
But not like the pages you took
Apprehensively
With colors spilled
Outside the lines
No, not like that

Validation

Ever notice how much more powerful it is when you come to a realization on your own, versus when someone tells you?
If we are understood and validated, it’s easier for us to understand another person’s perspective.
Instead of trying to get someone to “see” something, try empathizing with them and watch as the seed of you’re empathy created an internally initiated ability to empathize with another; allowing them to organically see the more expanded perspective.

Yoni

Life Giving
Giving Blood
Blood Sacred
Sacred Life
Magic Yoni
Yoni Creator
Creator of Life
Life of Magic

Your Gifts

They say that only those with a burning desire to share their gifts are granted a body.

Maybe you are reading this and you are someone who is on the path of learning to share the gifts a deep part of you knows you came to share.

Keep going.

Maybe you are reading this and you are one of the ones who has forgotten or lost site of the gifts you came to share, so hear this call, it is for you.


And maybe you are reading this and you never allowed yourself the opportunity to discover what your gifts are, maybe you are waiting for permission, here it is, hear the call, discover your gifts, remember why you are here, and learn to share them, because believe me when I say, you wouldn’t be here if you weren’t here to share yourself.

I felt guilty when I heard this, guilty for the parts of me that want to leave this place when the darkness feels like it’s too much to bare, and I felt a joy to remember what a gift this life is.

How easy it is for me to think I’ll be back here again no problem. How easy it is for me to get ahead of myself and not be fully here, in this one, this one time perspective. There is only one like you, this one you call by your name only exists once, so show us what you have, we want it, we need it.

Your Mirror

It’s easier to point my finger
Than to break my hand
Pointing it back at myself
It feels like I’ll snap
If I look in the mirror
It’s why I don’t look
But if I don’t look
It becomes more powerful
It’s being fed
By my resistance
You see
Nothing is created
Nor destroyed
How easy is it
To point my finger at you
Only to watch you suffer
Only to watch me suffer
What if I swallowed that pill?
It looks too big to swallow
What if it gets stuck in my throat?
What if you use it against me?
Like they did?
Like I did?
The problem is
It’s stuck in my throat
The same way
I’m stuck in a hall of mirrors
You see I used to be whole
For a short time
But then I felt the poke in my side
It was their fingers
They feared they’d break too
If they swallowed the mirror that I was
So they didn’t swallow
They stuffed
And then vomited
All over me
Now I’m vomiting on you
Stabbing your side
The problem is
When I put the pain on you
It hurt me too
But I tell myself that’s your fault too
I’m very clever
I have demons 
Demons so clever
They help me 
They tell me how to 
They tell me what to
And so the madness
It must end with us
Me, you, and these demons
I see the anger in your face
For the 100th time
I see the tears in your eyes
For the 1000th time
To make another choice
Is like creating a tunnel
In solid concrete
With a plastic spoon
A tunnel never taken
And so I open my view
Wider this time
Wide enough to see
I only thought I was alone
The pain
The shame
It locked my vision tight
I look to my left
To my right
He joins
She joins
They join
We have come to dig
Dig deep
Deep they say
There is no choice
I cannot see another part of myself
Die because I can’t see
Another part of myself
I cannot see another part of you
Die because I cannot see myself
I swallow the mirror
It’s not personal, just accurate
So then
Let us dig
Let us dig
Sorry is only a word
Now dig damnit

 

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